i feel like i’m going backwards

i’ve been off the (writing) wagon for four days now. i was away, on vacation, disconnected from the interwebs and enjoying the company of some of my best friends. i took a good ol’ notebook and pen combo for the purpose of journaling, which i did…once. i will type that up and post tomorrow. 

this colorado vacation was great. it was a tricky one for me because i was supposed to go with that wonderful ex i’ve mentioned  before (miserable cow, my favorite ex) and i thought i’d be tremendously sad that he wouldn’t be joining. and i wasn’t. i had an amazing time with my friends. and in hindsight, i felt a pang of guilt because….well…i kind of really pushed for him to buy this plane ticket…in a really “pushy girlfriend” kind of way. and from the start that ticket process was a fiasco. and we broke up one month before the trip and he lost all the money for the flight. should that be my concern now? most of my friends are like “who cares? his loss.” but that’s not how my brain (or heart) operates. he’s a student and we come from similar backgrounds and I know that losing that money is a hard financial hit. i felt like a spoiled brat who wanted him to buy it NOW because it was a guarantee that we’d be together. and look what happened. 

and when i think about it–what i really wanted–more than just traveling to a cool new city together, was proof. proof that he’d join me and be the kind of man that keeps his word and do the things he’d say he’d do. but why did i need proof? Favorite Ex had already been showing up and doing the right thing for a long time. it was insecurities from past relationships rearing their ugly heads. shit, i hate learning lessons 😩

so why am i moving backwards? immediately following the break up, i was fine! (really, i was.) i knew the purpose behind ending things and got focused on myself and what i need to do for me. and it felt fantastic. it still does. but today, like last monday, i’ve been feeling the melancholy. sadness. i miss that man. and i want him back (even though i know it’s not a good idea.) 

right now, i am unable to accept the present  reality and it’s causing me suffering. and also beyoncé’s “die with you” on repeat is also causing me suffering. all my readings of mindfulness and zen buddhism and regular buddhism and spirituality and living in the present all say that attachment and expectations are the root cause of pain. my brain knows this but my heart is having a delayed reaction here. where i started off strong, i’m slowly moving backward into heartbreak territory. a place i’d like to avoid, if at all possible. from that place, i can’t have a genuine friendship with him. and from that place i can’t heal and appreciate a good relationship, short as it might have been. and i can’t let go and appreciate that there is maybe someone out there better for me. the longer i cling to this sadness and refuse to let go, the longer and more excruciating healing process that lies ahead. things my brain knows but my heart is having a hard time comprehending and so–backwards it is, for now. 

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